Wrapping Up

We're going to spend a week on the road visiting family.  I'm in my office doing little things to lessen the mental load while I'm gone.  It's quiet, and I'm constantly asking why I'm here given that the things I'm doing aren't important.

The End Times, Again

It is finals week.  I am still working on the final exams for the end of the week.  Otherwise I'm in pretty good shape.

It's been a hectic semester, with four preparations.  The classes have been good.  It's going to be hard to decompress.

I do feel as if I've been much more efficient than I usually am.  I wonder if that will fade with the panic-Adrenalin.

Finish Line, or One of Them Anyway

There are two weeks of classes left this semester, with a week of Thanksgiving Break in between.  There are final exams spread throughout the week after.

I am teaching four preparations this term. I don't know anyone else who has done that.  I'm enjoying it greatly, all four classes, but the pace of work has been strenuous, not something that I can do easily or should do again.  So far I think that the classes have gone well, although the 8:00 class is short on energy so I could be wrong about that.

All my fears and insecurities of doing poorly with the classes are proving false, as I thought they might.

Midterm in Sight

Midterm is one week away.  So far so good in so many ways, but I have had a chest cold this past week and my stamina is greatly depleted.

I am keenly aware of what I have yet to do but I am greatly satisfied by what I have accomplished with my teaching overload and other responsibilities.

Focus

I have taken on more responsibilities this term, all things that I wanted and felt that I could be of service with, although perhaps not all at once.

For whatever reason I feel as if when I am working that I've been doing a better job of focusing. Given that my memory weakens with age and volume of details, I have forced myself to constantly check my calendar to see what's coming next instead of relying on my short-term memory. I am constantly reviewing my to-do list to prioritize what I do.  I always mourn the things left undone but they are not surprising me as much now as they have often done in the past.

This may be a short-term phase, flying on caffeine and adrenaline, so I don't want to rely upon it continuing indefinitely.  For however long it lasts I remain grateful.

Public Speaking

I had to speak at a faculty meeting yesterday. It's not the first time.  For a year I co-led the faculty meetings with our university president, but that was a while ago.  In recent years I have chaired a committee that reports at each faculty meeting, but I have submitted a written report each time in advance and fielded questions.  Sometimes I get nervous anticipating hard questions, but so far it has been gentle.

Recently I have been speaking on an issue as a faculty member.  I am nervous talking about it (how our university acknowledges Labor Day or doesn't) since it touches my feelings deeply, and dread doing so in anticipation.  I spend a lot of time, especially the day of the meeting, trying out in my mind various approaches.

Maybe because I prepare it has gone well when I start speaking, far more comfortable than I anticipate.  My conscious mind is so insecure but the rest of my mind seems to function well, and yet I don't trust in it despite years of good experience.

I don't enjoy public speaking, and I don't think that I'm excellent at it, but I've build up some good-will with this group over the decades and that helps a lot.

Planning Week

I'm going to separate out two threads that are running through my life right now;  elsewhere I'll write about sending our first child off to college.

At our university, we spend the week before classes in meetings to plan for the coming year.  Because of my sleep apnea, I have trouble staying awake for meetings that don't actively involve me.  Today I am leading two meetings, and the contrast between fearful anticipation and satisfaction in leading is very sharp.  I'm better now at preparing for things that I am responsible for, and there is a good deal of pay-off.  I still struggle with my insecurities---who am I to lead this group?  That will probably never go all the way away.