Joint Mathematics Meetings

I'm off to the JMM in Seattle this year.  I've enjoyed Seattle the two times that I've been there, but it's been years, so my memories are both hazy and outdated.

I'm looking forward to seeing my friend Doug who lives there and whom I haven't seen for many years. The conference should be good as well, and it will be good to connect with colleagues.

The greatest thing on a personal level is to go back to being an individual instead of the most responsible member of my family.  Choosing for myself instead of what's best for someone else will be nice, especially after family visits over the holidays.

Always hard to come back---

Wrapping Up

We're going to spend a week on the road visiting family.  I'm in my office doing little things to lessen the mental load while I'm gone.  It's quiet, and I'm constantly asking why I'm here given that the things I'm doing aren't important.

The End Times, Again

It is finals week.  I am still working on the final exams for the end of the week.  Otherwise I'm in pretty good shape.

It's been a hectic semester, with four preparations.  The classes have been good.  It's going to be hard to decompress.

I do feel as if I've been much more efficient than I usually am.  I wonder if that will fade with the panic-Adrenalin.

Finish Line, or One of Them Anyway

There are two weeks of classes left this semester, with a week of Thanksgiving Break in between.  There are final exams spread throughout the week after.

I am teaching four preparations this term. I don't know anyone else who has done that.  I'm enjoying it greatly, all four classes, but the pace of work has been strenuous, not something that I can do easily or should do again.  So far I think that the classes have gone well, although the 8:00 class is short on energy so I could be wrong about that.

All my fears and insecurities of doing poorly with the classes are proving false, as I thought they might.

Midterm in Sight

Midterm is one week away.  So far so good in so many ways, but I have had a chest cold this past week and my stamina is greatly depleted.

I am keenly aware of what I have yet to do but I am greatly satisfied by what I have accomplished with my teaching overload and other responsibilities.

Focus

I have taken on more responsibilities this term, all things that I wanted and felt that I could be of service with, although perhaps not all at once.

For whatever reason I feel as if when I am working that I've been doing a better job of focusing. Given that my memory weakens with age and volume of details, I have forced myself to constantly check my calendar to see what's coming next instead of relying on my short-term memory. I am constantly reviewing my to-do list to prioritize what I do.  I always mourn the things left undone but they are not surprising me as much now as they have often done in the past.

This may be a short-term phase, flying on caffeine and adrenaline, so I don't want to rely upon it continuing indefinitely.  For however long it lasts I remain grateful.

Public Speaking

I had to speak at a faculty meeting yesterday. It's not the first time.  For a year I co-led the faculty meetings with our university president, but that was a while ago.  In recent years I have chaired a committee that reports at each faculty meeting, but I have submitted a written report each time in advance and fielded questions.  Sometimes I get nervous anticipating hard questions, but so far it has been gentle.

Recently I have been speaking on an issue as a faculty member.  I am nervous talking about it (how our university acknowledges Labor Day or doesn't) since it touches my feelings deeply, and dread doing so in anticipation.  I spend a lot of time, especially the day of the meeting, trying out in my mind various approaches.

Maybe because I prepare it has gone well when I start speaking, far more comfortable than I anticipate.  My conscious mind is so insecure but the rest of my mind seems to function well, and yet I don't trust in it despite years of good experience.

I don't enjoy public speaking, and I don't think that I'm excellent at it, but I've build up some good-will with this group over the decades and that helps a lot.

Planning Week

I'm going to separate out two threads that are running through my life right now;  elsewhere I'll write about sending our first child off to college.

At our university, we spend the week before classes in meetings to plan for the coming year.  Because of my sleep apnea, I have trouble staying awake for meetings that don't actively involve me.  Today I am leading two meetings, and the contrast between fearful anticipation and satisfaction in leading is very sharp.  I'm better now at preparing for things that I am responsible for, and there is a good deal of pay-off.  I still struggle with my insecurities---who am I to lead this group?  That will probably never go all the way away.

It's Only July but Summer's Gone

Not much productive time left.  Six more work-days (including days where I commute with my son on his short work-days and when I need to be home for the exterminator), then a conference, family visit, then planning week meetings.

It's not been a bad summer.  It's been good spending time with our son before he goes off to college.  My conference talk is done. I just can't seem to focus much on my class preparation.

I wish my to-do list wasn't so long . . .

Summertime and the Worries Come Easy

Summer is flying by.  I never enjoy summer, given my high expectations of what I will accomplish.

Like many of my colleagues and students I do function better with a panic-Adrenalin rush, and move much more slowly during the summer without that rush.

Slow Summer Workdays

I am several weeks into the summer break.  I am moving so slowly at work without the adrenaline terror that prompts me throughout the academic year. I'd like to think that I am more contemplative but I know that I am just not as focused as I would like to be.

Life in the Slow Lane

It was very very busy, and now it's not.  When school ends for our kids there will be car pooling logistics and eventually summer travels but right now I have control over my schedule to a large degree.  I don't feel closure yet on the 2014-2015 academic year---reports to right, household chores deferred.  I am getting things done, but the list is long.

Eventually the loneliness will sink in---so few people around here at work.

Last Day of Classes

Even though it is a relief, especially in the Spring semester, to come to the end of classes, it still feels bittersweet.  It works well for me to use the last class meeting to summarize and then answer questions for the final exam.  It is decidedly not a triumphant feeling.  I and the students all seem to be completely drained.

Graduation is worse---saying goodbye to students I've worked with for four years.

Committee Work

I have done a lot of committee work in my career.  This confuses me since I am an introvert, and yet I find myself drawn to procedural solutions to problems that I care about.  That seems inevitably to lead to committee work, and ultimately, leadership.  I've spent over half of my career being chair of something, whether a department or a committee.

I've got good procedural reflexes and my integrity is pretty good;  people trust me more often than not.

Nearing the End

We're approaching the end of the semester;  I'm at a point in the semester where I need to let go of some of my goals (class coverage, committee work, personal projects) and focus on successfully achieving the goals that are most important to me.  There is a sense of loss, as I am keenly aware of promises that I have made and not kept, especially promises to myself.  There is also a sense of liberation, of shedding those things that hold me back as I sprint toward the finish line.

Helplessness in the Face of a Sick Child

Our son has had another (third) reaction to an antibiotic.  He had a vivid rash covering most of his body.  At this point the doctors can articulate what he has (Type II Hypersensitivity) but that is of little comfort---he will probably have this same reaction for the rest of his life when he takes antibiotics.

And there's not much I can do.  I can try to comfort, but I can't make it better.  There's no way around that.

Last Quarter

Spring Break has ended, and it's a sprint to the finish.  This week contains beginning of the week meetings, and things will be hectic for another 10 days or so.

I'm a bit under the weather in terms of stamina from last week's surgery, but I know that it could be a lot worse.

Layover

I usually have appropriately timed layovers, but for whatever the reason on this trip my layover in Atlanta lasts for hours.  So I splurged on a day pass at the Delta Sky Lounge.

There is a lot to be said for a comfortable seat, table, and power outlets.  I have been much more productive than I ever thought I would be, minimizing the work that I will need to do in my hotel.  I am usually ready to relax in my hotel room, not ready to work.

Spring Conferences

I am so worn thin approaching a conference in March that it is hard to picture it as anything other than an escape from my home responsibilities.  There is always the joy of being primarily responsible for no one other than myself, but I am usually frayed thin by March.  The conference is usually tiring (driving, evening/morning/afternoon meetings, driving) but this one should be a bit more leisurely, if I can finish preparing for it (class preparation, committee work, etc.).

Overworked

For whatever reason it's been one of those weeks where I don't feel confident at the start of the day that I'll be successful. For me success is based on preparation, and I've been running low on time to be ready for my commitments.  Sleep loss and a general pressure to always be on task is taking its toll.  Thankfully I have a conference coming up.  It adds to the workload but while I'm there it should be a break.

Another Semester

We began our Spring semester today.  It always seems less hectic to do than I anticipate.  Probably because I usually let my first classes out early since the students haven't done the reading.

Before any work is graded there is the honeymoon period.  Students trying to show respect always lifts my spirits.  Being around other people who like what I do certainly helps my self-esteem more than being by myself.

Back in Town

I'm back from my annual January conference.  The conference was a disappointment personally but not professionally.  I had really been looking forward to exploring San Antonio but it was cold and rainy.

Now I have two weeks to get a lot of things done.  Based on my history, I'll be unproductive for the first part and then very efficient as I begin to panic.

It is so hard to focus without panic adrenaline.  I need to remember this in my dealings with students who have the same issue.