Holidays

More and more I find myself sharing with my family why I am not a big fan of holidays. When I was young there was a lot of pressure from my mother around the holidays to plan a big spread, have folk come, etc. She took on more than she could handle regularly so tears and yelling were the norm.  Since then I've done everything I can to lower the stakes for holidays where I have a say.

Downtime

I don't really ever have downtime in the sense of nothing on my to-do list. I do enough committee work that there is always more paperwork and planning that can be done.

But classes have been over for a few weeks and I haven't been goofing off so there is less and less that needs doing. I'm used to running on panic adrenaline 24/7 so it is hard to decompress.

The pandemic is keeping us from traveling for the holidays which helps a bit.

End of Yet Another Term

 I've been teaching for over thirty years, so this is my 60-something'th semester and it's coming to an end. Because of the pandemic we do not want students returning to campus after Thanksgiving. My TTh class ended this morning; the final exam is in over two weeks.

I feel as if I know my students but through some kind of translucent filter. I don't know their facial reactions except for Zoom chats one-on-one. Their voices often come from the ceiling when they speak over streaming.

I know that the pandemic will improve and before I retire teaching will be more normal if not the same as its been. Very unsettling.

Election

I lost a lot of who I was on Election Day, 2016. Donald Trump had been in my media feed for many years when I lived in CT and NY. He was a braggart without any compassion, and somehow he ended up being our president, campaigning by attacking the most vulnerable.

It's been hard to crack jokes, hard to relax, hard to enjoy life as migrant children were abducted, Muslims were banned from flying into our country, hate crimes abounded, and our government screwed up defending us from a pandemic.

Joe Biden has today been declared our President-Elect. He has been in my media feed for as long as Trump has been as a prominent Senator. I've not always been happy with his performance---he has a lot to atone for with respect to how Anita Hill was treated---but he was a sound voice as Chair of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and an active partner to Barack Obama in a presidential administration that was as good as any I've lived through.

During the election I've encountered tales of private moments where Biden sought to comfort those in sorrow, and they seem unstaged and consistent with who he is.  Far from perfect, he dubbed himself a transitional candidate and chose a gifted woman of color as his running mate.

There are so many bad things to deal with, the pandemic, the climate crisis, the hatred running amok in our country. I feel better, not good, but so much better knowing that Joe Biden will be leading us as we face these challenges and not the sadist Donald Trump.

Getting Through

 It's been hard dealing with the arthritis. I have my good and my bad days with my knee; the cane provides a lot of stability that stops my lower back from seizing up.

My hands hurt continually now. Interestingly enough not when typing, but for most other activities.

So far I'm getting through but the effort wearies me. I miss my former stamina.

Arthritis

Suddenly my quality of life has degraded. My left knee is in constant pain, as our my thumbs. X-rays show arthritis.

I had expected arthritis if I lived long enough, but I thought that 59 was a bit early.  I need to adjust my expectations of what I can accomplish and how I wish to exercise.

Pain is an attentive companion these days.

Strange Times

 I've been teaching at my university for 31 years cumulatively. We always begin the academic year with some planning meetings. This is the first time we do not have a Planning Week with everyone gathered together. Instead we had a video address from our president and a bunch of isolated video meetings.

Ah, pandemic.

Beginning of Semester

The summer break is coming to an end, with classes starting in two weeks.  There is still more work for me to do before then but I feel in pretty good shape with my preparation. Time will tell if all of my university's preparations have made the campus safe enough or if COVID will spread like wildfire.

Testing

As part of my return to teaching, I will have to take a COVID test. According to my university's instructions, the test should not be too invasive. Certainly there have been a lot of stories in the media about nasal swabs going very very deep.

I have my suspicions that I may already have had COVID. I haven't had any of the main symptoms but do feel a bit out of shape, more out of breath with stairs than I used to be. Of course I haven't worked out since March but still.

Side Effects

I take a large number of medications for my diabetes and hypertension.  One of them has apparently begun causing swelling in my legs.

It has been frustrating me for a few weeks that my legs have not been working the way I expect them too, that the signals have been translating a bit differently into movement. Now that I identified it as swelling I feel better, knowing that is not muscular atrophy (since I've missed the gym because of the pandemic).

Pandemic

Life under the pandemic is dreamlike. No one that I know has been diagnosed with it while millions around the world have it and hundreds have died in my state.

I go to a mostly empty building at work on weekdays. I do grocery shopping surrounded by masked folk. I read the news and worry but it is very unreal.

My reflex is to do what is right, to isolate, to wear a mask, etc.

Cancellation of Conference

A conference that I worked on was cancelled this week because of fears of the novel coronavirus.

Sigh. It's for the best, but it hits close to home.  I feel for the people that put more hours than me in helping prepare for it.

COVID-19

Lurking in the background of my day-to-day life is the rapid spread of a new strain of Coronavirus. It has a slightly higher fatality rate than the regular flu and is spreading very rapidly with no vaccination or specific treatment yet.

From what I've read I and my loved ones will probably catch it, with most of us having mild symptoms. Not much that we can do other than the usual prevention efforts (mostly hand-washing, etc.).

Focus

My job is relatively easy to do once I achieve the proper focus, which is like saying that weight-lifting is easy after you practice it for decades.

Focus depends on how many distractions I have and how much energy I have.  It is very hard to exclude distractions when I'm around others; I do best with that in my office alone.

The energy depends partly on sleep but more so on locus of control; when I feel as if others determine my schedule my energy and initiative seep away.

Returning to Yoga

I started yoga classes in graduate school to get out among people. I was past most of my classwork, my part-time job was isolating, and my apartment was echoing when I was alone there.

I took to it very quickly, not so much aptitude as enjoyment with developing more of an awareness of my body and its strengths and weaknesses. I also found that it helped calm my mind, which given the great emptiness I faced with looking for a career after graduate school really helped.

I kept it up until our kids were born, and then life got too hectic. This past Fall though I realized that I had no more rationalization to stay away and have started attending classes again weekly.

My body is different; I am older and heavier. Some things are more of a struggle than I had hoped but by and large it's been very good for the same reasons it was very good when I began.

Depression In an Older Relative

I have an older relative who I talk to regularly on the phone and visit several times a year. She has suffered greatly from depression since her spouse passed away, and basically finds fault with everything she encounters.  It's hard being supportive as I struggle with my own issues of depression. My main coping mechanism is to look for ways to solve problems but she seems opposed to solving almost any issue that she encounters. I really don't know what to do.