Back from Holiday Travels

I am an introvert.  I draw strength from when I am alone and can process my thoughts.  I can be very productive in short periods of time when uninterrupted.

I don't enjoy being alone too long;  loneliness is every present.  But I feel empowered to be with others, to be able to communicate with them, understand them, enjoy them, when I have had my time to myself.

Holiday travels are all about never being alone. The point of the travel is to visit with distant loved ones as well as form experiences for our own family.  Simple tasks such as going to fetch something from a bedroom become tasks requiring perseverance and patience.

I have become quite faithful about going to the gym early in the morning, to start the day at least with some time to myself. I also volunteer eagerly for almost any errand that I get to run myself.

God it's good to be back in my office at work.

College Financial Aid

I really really really dislike filling out financial forms of any kind.  I feel as if I should know based on my mathematical experience and experience working for an investment bank that I should be able to confidently fill them out but I am constantly stumped by them.   Being married to someone who gets the forms makes it easier but does set my ego up for a pounding.

Grading Final Exams, Yet Again

I feel a good deal of responsibility about grading final exams promptly for my students.  I remember how anxious I was after my finals.  It's easier for me to push aside other concerns and focus on the grading now than during the rest of the semester.

The to-do list remains long, however.

Quite, for a day

I'm back in my office the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I've been grading papers and doing some things that are more easily done with some peace and quiet.  After Break things will rush again for a little while before getting back to this leisurely pace.  I'll have work to do at home and it will be hard to accomplish with my family around.  There is no separate work-room in our house and they do not respect my need to focus so I'll work early or late when they are sleeping.

Thanksgiving

I've never been a big fan of Thanksgiving.  Being rigid in my values, I've always felt that we should be grateful all year round.  I've never seen a connection between gratitude and over-consumption or sports. I spent many a year with family members outside my immediate family that did not seem to have any interest in me.

We've been fortunate as a married couple to celebrate the feast with friends from church, but that's still for me mainly a chance for fellowship with good friends and a chance to sample good cooking.

College Applications

Our son is applying for college.  He is a hard worker, but he has been putting this off over and over again.  My wife has taken the lead in getting on his case about putting the time in.  He seems in over his head and I wish that I could be more of a help---he seems overwhelmed by the stress.

I don't remember it being this hard for me when I was younger, but I also had a lot more support from my guidance counselor---being the prodigy got me lots of attention.

Trustees

I often attend the meetings of our Board of Trustees as a faculty guest, for at least part of the meeting, because of leadership roles that I have had on faculty committees.

Our trustees are not evil, but there is something about the power differential that being around them seems to warp reality. Administrators who are used to acting as kings start acting like peons.  There is a real sense that we are not to speak unless spoken to.  I wonder how much of that is just my university and how much of that applies to other universities.

A large part of these meetings is designed to educate the trustees to the point where they will agree with the decisions of the president and provost, where the merits of the proposals will be absolutely clear. The proposals before the trustees always deal with long-term planning for the institution, which I am painfully aware involves a broader perspective than I have from my place at the university.  In that sense, even as reality warps it is a grounding for me in issues that I don't normally contemplate.

Fall Break

I don't handle breaks well at school.  Without my usual structure I raise my expectations for both work accomplished and rest taken.  I ensure that I can not be satisfied at the end of my break by keeping my expectations of myself ridiculously high.

One of these days I need to get therapy---

Approaching Midterm

There is one week of classes left before our Fall Break.  The semester has been flying by.  I am doing more and sleeping less than I usually do, and it has been a particularly sleepless week, so I've been slipping into dreams a good deal during my waking hours.

I currently have nothing scheduled for my two days off;  I anticipate coming to work and trying to feel ahead of the curve.  We'll see.

Sick Child

Our son had an allergic reaction to an antibiotic.  This happened before, seven years ago.  He was hospitalized with a rash covering his body, swelling, and fever.  Eventually steroid and antihistamines helped him recover and we not only made sure his medical records banned that antibiotic but also had him tested for sensitivity to other antibiotics, with no problems.

He's not been sick much in the past seven years, but he has been on other antibiotics without a reaction.  This time he reacted badly.  My wife stayed home with him all week.  Halfway through he started being able to sleep soundly.

He's going to be on medicines for a while that will keep him groggy.  We plan to send him back to school tomorrow.

It is a deep feeling of impotence, watching your child suffer and not being able to make it better in a timely fashion.

Self Confidence

I've been trusting in my abilities more lately, and it's helped me to achieve more.  This stands in contrast with some low periods in my life where mistakes seemed to cascade and I started to question all of my choices.

I am putting more time into preparing for tasks, so that's part of it.  The other part is that like most people I get better at things when I do them more often.

So it's been crazy with my schedule but (so far) a fun crazy.

Being Sick

I've been fighting a cold and sore throat for about a week. It's in its final stages (less phlegm, less tenderness in my throat).

If I run a fever I'm pretty good about seeing a doctor---I've no desire to miss large amounts of work time.  That didn't apply here, but I did tell my family that I was sick and that I would be contributing less at home as appropriate.  I don't get sick much so they're pretty much supportive, just clueless sometimes.

I'm grateful that I don't get "sick" very often.  I don't think I've missed more than a couple of days of work over the decades.  I do have long-term health contributions, being overweight, diabetic, and having sleep-apnea.  The long-term stuff affects my prospects of a retirement that I can enjoy but does not yet affect my work week.

Back with a Vengeance

Since returning from my conference I've had two weeks of meetings, and it has been a whirlwind.  Little of it has been wasted, but I haven't had much time to focus on my classes.

I need to acknowledge that this is now part of my annual cycle, and finish my course preparations in July.

In a New Town

I'm at a conference in a city that I've not visited before.  The weather has been good, and I've had time to walk around and explore.

It's a great town, lots of good restaurants and things to do.  Inevitably I start having a background fantasy of not going back.  I wouldn't need to have a million dollars, but more than I currently do now.

Leave all my problems behind me.  Develop new problems, cause that's what I do.

Getting There

I've been getting some things done lately that had been lingering on my to-do list.  The to-do list eases my anxiety about losing track of details, but adds to my anxiety about things that I think I should do that remain undone.

It feels very unhealthy to base my self-worth so much on unchecked items on a list. I have to work harder at letting go.

Mid-Summer Blues

I'm experiencing my usual mid-summer anxiety.  I set myself so many goals for each summer and struggle to accomplish them.  I know that I'll be ready for my classes but it's never as early as I plan.  I've been giving talks each summer and it always feels as if I'm not ready for them early enough.

A smarter person than I (apparently) would learn from this regular and predictable state and cut down on expectations of myself.  I seem incapable of that.

I've got to find a way to slow down, for my mental if not physical health.

Back Again from Family Visits

Twice a year, around July 4 and around Christmas, we go to visit our families in PA and NY.

In NY, my bed is rock hard.  We are on the second floor, and the stairs are almost always blocked.  My wife's family has long had trouble getting started with things;  as they've aged it has only gotten worse.

In PA, my bed is so soft as to provide no support.  The house is over-filled to the point that it is difficult to walk freely.

In both cases my back aches more and more with each passing day. I go to the gym before people arise as many days as possible just to be able to move freely.

Each visit occurs roughly a month before a conference that I attend.  The though of moving freely, of making my own choices, and of being responsible only for myself helps me to get through these trips.

Being Productive

Teaching is a lot easier when the students aren't around.  The campus is relatively quiet---we do have summer classes but not many on my floor---and I've had some peace and quiet.  Ideally I'd be doing a lot of contemplative work but I'm not up for it yet---still feeling worn thin mentally.  I have been focusing more on organization---trying to articulate finely what needs doing and prioritizing.  Accomplishing things feels better than what I'm doing but I truly hate the feeling that I've let something slip through the cracks and this builds my confidence that I'm not doing so.

Our Son is an Eagle Scout

We love him and are very proud of him.  That is ever-present and should be the lead.

Eagle Scout?  Where did that come from?

I never made it past Webelos.  I despise the outdoors.  I burn quickly.  I am allergic to pretty much everything related to plants.

My wife will go on scout camp trips since I don't.  She doesn't initiate camping.

Our son is something in and of himself.  As much as we see ourselves in him there is much that originates in him apart from us.  The Scouting is strong evidence of that.

Finally

I'm proctoring my third and last final exam for the term.  Only six students---good students;  the grading should be swift and simple.  Most of my effort will go into making sure that I don't make any typographical errors in recording the grades.

The semester and academic year come to a screeching halt.  I have a lot to work on this summer in preparation:  courses, committee work, a presentation in August.  I don't yet sitting here proctoring have the motivation to tackle anything too deep.

Closure on the Academic Year

A number of things are approaching closure if not completion.

I am writing final exams with a half week left of classes.  There is more of a sense of finality at the end of the Spring term than in December.  We are all low on stamina, and collectively this lowers our enthusiasm and increases our satisfaction.

I am winding down work with my research student, and have one possibility for a student to do research with in the coming year.

Committee work is in transition;  I have completed serving out the term of a colleague on sabbatical and will be nominated to chair a work-intensive committee.  I nearly desire to nor wish to avoid chairing the committee;  I just want to know so that I can mentally prepare either way.

Overall the fatigue has been more of an issue and that too should ease up a bit in three more weeks.  We'll see.

I Came Here to Sing

After five services for the Triduum, my university choral group had a concert last week and a concert this week, each with two dress rehearsals.  I am greatly pleased that my voice is still strong, but I am weary as I am only in May each year.  Not much down-time or sleep.

If It's After Easter Why Do I Feel So Dead?

I made it through the five Triduum services with my voice intact;  I can tell that there is a real difference now that I've been singing MWF with my university's singing group.  Physically I'm exhausted though.

April is always rough on the system.  The cumulative stress and the lack of sleep all hit hard.  I've got a concert this week with two evening dress rehearsals, so my evenings are committed.  Both of our kids have been spending a lot of time with me asking questions about their math homework.  Not a whole lot of downtime.

But the downtime is coming;  only a few more weeks of classes.

Running Low

This time of year has me grading lots of student work and preparing for Easter music.  On top of that I have several concerts with my university singing group.  I'm definitely low on energy.  It hasn't affected my work so much as my mood;  I'm not so much depressed as low on hope I guess, despite knowing from the calendar that these responsibilities will ease soon.

Race to the Finish

Spring Break is over;  six weeks of classes left.  Dozens of ad hoc meeting ahead, too little time to think.  Need to rely upon my organizational skills to get me through.

I do feel as if I am better organized this year.

Spring Break

I should be resting and regaining my stamina.  Instead I've helped with my son's Scout fundraiser and taken my daughter to get teeth extracted.  It's been a slower pace but with my locus of control being external it doesn't feel restful yet.

Regional Conference

I'll be going to a regional conference Thursday through Saturday.  These are more strenuous with less pay-off than the national conferences I go to.  Typically lots of driving, full days of meetings, and no time to do anything locally.  Some good talks, but a mix.  The main value to me is the networking and the chance to give a talk. It's a push to prepare for my classes for the week after I return, not a problem in January or August.

March Madness

Not the usual March Madness that I believe is related to basketball.  In March each year I have a conference, rehearsals for Easter choir, volunteering with the Scouts for their BBQ fundraiser, and scholarship interviews for my university.  For some reason more things are scheduled that I am required to participate in this month than any other month.

Tired, able to keep going on caffeine and momentum, crashing mentally when I am still too long.

Busy Week

It's been a busy week. Various and sundry things have eaten away at most of my discretionary time, and I feel behind on commitments.  I'm not really behind, just fearing that I will be behind. If needed I could teach a class or two in each of my courses without having prepared my class notes; I don't have to get graded work to students by the next class, etc.  Being prepared is a large portion of my self-esteem, how I measure if I've had a good day, etc.

I've been thinking about this lately;  I have given too much power to my To-Do list over my sense of my self.  I am only as good as my accomplishments, or so I act.  I need to make the list more of a tool and less of a goal.

Ready for Spring Term

For some strange reason I seem to be ready for the start of the semester.  I am not looking forward to the fatigue, but the excitement will compensate a bit.  I feel as if I've done a good job at prioritizing my work.  We'll see.

Packing Up

I don't enjoy trying to clean things up before leaving town but I'm getting better at it.  I'm pretty good about prioritizing what needs doing before I leave town and what can wait.  On the other hand I get pretty stressed out if the time I've allotted for doing so gets encroached upon.

Joint Mathematics Meetings

The Joint Mathematics Meetings take place in January, shortly after our Christmas travels.  Being an introvert, I need time to myself on a regular basis.  When visiting family this is limited to working out at the YMCA.  The lack of personal time leaves me stressed and cranky.  The timing of the JMM works out nicely.

I'm a fairly simple person, so I don't go wild when out of town.  I go to bed early, take long walks, visit museums.  The simple things accumulate to relax me:  being able to walk out of a door without waiting on anyone;  to be able to choose my preference without negotiation or complaint; to go for days without any negative feedback.  It's marvelous.