Things Going Well

Grades are in.  I feel ready for the Joint Mathematics Meetings, including progress on my talk.  Now that I'm not chair this period is remarkably stress-free.

Still feel constrained---colonoscopy yesterday, setting up orthodontist visit for son, other appointments---wish I actually had a clear schedule.

Still---it has been worse and I'm grateful that it's better.

Mid-Finals

Two final exams given and graded.  So far only a couple disappointed students, no actual anger just sadness.  One more final exam to give and grade.

The exams do give closure to the term.  Now is the time to focus on things that take attention between terms and to start to look ahead to prepare for the next term.

As happens every year, I feel a mess physically though not too bad mentally.  Body aches something awful.

Classes Ending

I think I'll make it.  I don't know why that's ever in doubt.  I've been teaching for decades now, and I've never not made it.  Sometimes the results are not what I hoped for, but nothing bad has happened.

So, I've got my last class preparation done, grading is current, I'm getting my final exams written, I've had a paper accepted.  For whatever reason I seem to have this crisis mentality driving me.  It would be healthier if I could maintain my productivity without it.  More truthful---I really don't deal with many crises.

End Days

The period after Thanksgiving Break is when all must come to a conclusion.  So many trade-offs in terms of content. It will fly by.

Extreme Fatigue

Our choral concert and the accompanying dress rehearsal were this week, along with a lot of grading for my classes.  I have hit a new low in sleep deprivation, but seem to be surviving.

I do keep myself pretty well-organized, so I've still been functional at work.  My body aches something awful though, to the point where it disrupts what little sleep I get.

This coming week should ease up a bit, with the Thanksgiving holiday.  I may not make up the lost rest but I shouldn't lose much more.

Speeding Toward the End

We're entering the second full week of November, and there's not much time left in our semester.  A week and a half until Thanksgiving Break, and then another week and a half of classes after that.

It's comforting to know that my schedule will ease up a bit soon, but I do feel the pressure of all that I had hoped to achieve this semester that remains undone.

Very few external burdens---my stressors are of my own creation.  Knowing that doesn't seem to help me to change much.  I can be very flexible about implementing my objectives but not about the objectives themselves, apparently.

Home Alone

My family is out of town for the weekend.  I've still spent most of my time doing schoolwork, so it's not like I've partied.  (I can't remember ever partying, come to think of it.  I'm pretty sober overall.)

So I'm still worn out physically and mentally.  I need to change my workload (lessen it, that is).

After Break

It's the week after Fall Break, and I don't feel well-rested.  I've got projects coming in and the grading is running me ragged.

Not enough sleep, not enough down-time for my body and achy muscles.

Made It to Break

Well, it's Break.  Not that I've noticed much---no catching up on sleep or recreation.  Body aches something also, especially my head.

Want to be ahead;  want to have my class preparation wrapped up, a plan for the rest of the semester.  Want to feel on top of things instead of dealing with work responsibilities on a day-by-day basis.

Halfway Point

Our midterm is this coming Friday.  It is shocking on a deep level that we are at the halfway point---so much yet to cover.  On the other hand my teaching load seems to have ingrained itself on me---as if we've always done it this way.

My grading is in pretty good shape as the deadline for turning grades in approaches.  The students may be more stressed out than I am.

Not Enough Sleep

I had hoped that stepping down as chair would ease up on my workload on weeknights and weekends, but so far it hasn't.  I'm still doing a lot of grading and class preparations out of the office.

I have been trying to catch up on the deferred parenting, going at least once a week to get my daughter from her volleyball games, driving my son to scouting stuff.  That seems to be switching out the work hours.

I still am not at a point in my academic life where I can take a weekend off.

Third Week

We're in our third week of classes.  I've started singing in our university no-audition singing group, and between that and commitments to our kids in the afternoon my schedule feels crowded;  I've been spending late nights on grading again.

Not quite sure how to adjust this for the Spring;  I'll need to make time to figure out how.

First Week of Classes

I've met all my classes more than once by now.  One of the sections is huge;  I don't have a good sense for them yet, other than their demeanor being friendly until Friday and then losing their attention.  The others all seem eager to please.  One class is all freshmen, so that isn't a big surprise.

Not much grading yet, but I still feel behind for no particular reason.  Maybe I always feel behind and that's what pushes me to prepare as much as I do.  There's something for further reflection.

Stress at Home

My wife is under a lot of stress, at work and from her family (the death of her aunt, worries about her parents).  She's been taking a lot of it out on me and the kids lately.  It's not been much fun.

Back from Travels

Well, I'm back from a conference.  It's always abrupt.

I get so lonely when I'm out of town by myself, but I do so enjoy the autonomy.  It is so hard to go back to being so responsible when I return.

At least I don't need to worry about staffing any more.

Conference

I'm at another conference.  I've heard a number of good talks, gave one that was pretty well-received.

I look forward to being on my own at these conferences, away from the many many constraints of my home life.  When I'm at a conference I never feel as free as I'd like.  I don't sleep well;  I feel drowsy enough to be even more anti-social and tend not to network.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

In My New Office

A little claustrophobic with boxes, but I'm back in my (newly renovated) old office building in a different office.  This office is a bit smaller (but there are smaller still so I shouldn't complain) which provides me with a good excuse for getting rid of a bunch of stuff.

I am impatient to be unpacked;  I'm switching off between emptying boxes and doing regular work (class preparation, writing, correspondence).

Trying to Focus

It is so hard to focus on work during Summer Break, when all the other faculty are out playing in the sun.

That's being facetious.  To be honest, without structure I have a much harder time staying disciplined.  I guess that I mean external structure, since I could easily schedule how much I want to get done when.

I am trying to do class preparation and write.  I've hardly written anything, but at least I'm getting somewhere on having all of the first week of class stuff ready to go.

I do like teaching a lot more than writing.

Writing

I'm working on a talk that I'll give next month.  I started it then set it aside and then really started avoiding it.

Even this post is a way of avoiding working on it;  at least I've got an outline in development from the abstract that I submitted.

The transition into creating is hard to make but when I do get going it is hard to stop.

Summer Travels

Visiting family in two states this fortnight.  Started out with a funeral.  It's weird:  I know all these people, but we have nothing to talk about.

Road Trip

Time for another trip to see our families in the Northeast.  This time we have a funeral viewing to get to, so we'll do part of the trip tonight and the rest tomorrow.  I feel that a lot of the responsibility for making the logistics work out falls to me, and yet I have little say in the planning. so it is a source of tension with my wife.

The kids are better-behaved but my daughter still thinks pretty much entirely in terms of her wants as opposed to what works for the rest of us.  I don't really enjoy traveling with my family much.

Still In Recovery

Well, I lost five pounds this past week.  I also go a lot (Annual Report, draft of Crista reference, Laura's expense tally) done at work as well.  I stayed awake through the last two homilies at church.  And while I am still getting winded on my walks, I'm not winded at the beginning, which is an improvement.

I am getting better, although I still have strong mood swings.  Better is good, much better than worse.

No Longer Chair

Well, as of Thursday I am no longer department chair.  I have unfinished business (completing the annual report, yuck) but I am no longer as responsible as I have been.

It has been hard to focus on what I want to do at work; I am definitely worn out mentally.  I need to get into a routine.

Already I am sleeping more which feels good, and yet my sleep is troubled and my body still aches all over.  I need to give it time to recover from the long-term sleep deprivation.

Temporary Office

I am working in an office that is normally used for two adjuncts.  It is peaceful, and I am able to think deeply, at least in terms of physical logistics.

After a week of getting more sleep I am very slowly finding my ability to dwell on one topic increasing, but after these years as department chair I still have a remarkably short attention span.

Annual Evaluation

I had a pretty frustrating meeting with my dean to discuss my annual evaluation.  I feel very strongly that the job description for being department chair is not very accurate in describing the day-to-day expectations of the job.  I was not articulate in expressing this and was chastised for not writing more in my self-evaluation about the role of department chair.  The rest of the self-evaluation seemed satisfactory.

Lot of rejoinders sprang to mind afterward.  I have yet to see the written report and may need to request revisions.  I feel that I let myself down despite my preparation---too worn out by the end of the semester.

Proctoring a Final Exam

I'm proctoring a final exam.  One student turned in his exam early and I've already graded it.  I want to grade the rest now, but I have to wait for them to finish.  I've brought work along but I don't feel like doing it.  I have to finish grading in 24 hours of the exam because of the need to turn senior grades in.  I want to get it done.  But I have to wait.

Reflection

The older I get the more aware I become of the damage my sins have caused me.

Every day is a struggle to let God heal me.

I don't know why I fear becoming whole.

Home Stretch

I shouldn't use sports metaphors since I don't know much about sports; I do remember running in half-marathons decades ago and what the home stretch meant to me.  When the end was in sight, I sprinted.  It was a pretty feeble sprint after running 13 miles, but I just couldn't give less than my best at that point without disappointing myself deeply.

We have two weeks of classes left, and my responsibilities as department chair are starting to dwindle.  Already a significant fraction (around 20%?) of departmental correspondence has shifted to my successor.  Part of me wonders if I should feel some sort of jealousy/envy/resentment, but mostly I just feel the fatigue, the mental fog and the pain in my body.  I think that I'm tackling what remains with my best effort.  I hope so.

Renovations

We will have to pack our offices in the next five weeks for renovations and will be housed temporarily elsewhere for over a month.

My office has been my home away from home, my personal space in a way that I don't have personal space at home.  My family are very comfortable using every open space to set their stuff down and walk away.

It is daunting.  Thank God I won't be chair during most of it.

Easter Week

For some (macho?) reason I volunteer to sing at all five services on Easter weekend. I do one duet, so it's not as if I'm crucial to the outcome, but I do lend support from the bass section.

Every year I go into Easter Weekend with a sleep deficit. It must tie in somehow with how busy work gets after Spring Break. Yet Easter moves around on the calendar, so I don't see how.

In any event I am trying to function with a blinding fatigue headache and be in an appropriately spiritual mood. Not quite successful.

Classes Start Again

I think that I actually got done over Spring Break all that I hoped to. There's still plenty of work to be done, and classes have started up. Still, I don't think that I have the same guilty feeling as I usually do after Break.

Working Through Spring Break

It's Spring Break, and I'm back in my office. This is a good time to get at least a week or two of good class preparation out of the way without distractions. It being March I'll also try to finish off the taxes. It does look sunny outside and I do feel as if I'm missing out on something.

Back From Conference

Back from my annual regional conference.  This time it was worth driving instead of flying, but kind of long---roughly 400 miles each way.  It was good seeing familiar faces and I think that my talk went well.  I definitely can take pride in our students.

But---I don't ever socialize.  I am so exhausted that the thought of hanging out with others seems to be work rather than play.  I wish that it wasn't this way.  I don't know if my sleep situation will ever improve that much.

Interviewing Students

I interviewed students for the first time in a long time yesterday.  The interviews were part of a scholarship application by the students.  My input, at least theoretically, has an effect on their ability to be able to comfortably afford our university.

I don't like having a fixed prompt or set of prompts.  I prefer to ask about the students' interests and go from there.  I think that I'm pretty good at it but there isn't any oversight so there's always that nagging doubt.

Being Sick

I'm often affected by some malady (sore throat, allergies, back pain) but I go into denial and keep chugging along.  Yesterday I had a fever and some diarrhea and had to call a halt to my scheduled activities.  My wife and kids don't handle it well.  They seem to take it for granted that I will just continue doing things as I usually do.  Is it the father role in general?  Do other father's get this kind of reaction?

Presentations

I am writing a presentation to give in a couple of weeks.  I had the idea firmly in my head months ago when I submitted the abstract, but work being what it is I haven't written anything until this weekend.

The Beamer package in LaTeX works pretty well so that I don't have to worry too much about formatting.  Each slide seems to be a good way of chunking content.  It's just a matter of typing, re-wording, practicing, repeating.

I wish that I hadn't let it run this late.  Too many other things going on simultaneously.  My talks have gone over well recently so I'm getting better in some fashion, but I can't slack off and just trust to luck.

Working on Saturday

I went in and worked most of Saturday at my office.

I try not to abandon my family (and put more responsibility on my wife) very often, but two or three times a year I need sustained focus and access to materials in my office.  This time it was to write drafts of annual evaluations for the faculty that report to me.

It's both quiet and loud.  I usually don't play music loudly at home.

I don't have to be prepared for interruptions.  I can focus without reservation on the task at hand.

I usually set unreasonable expectations for the quantity of work done.  This time was a closer match.

Not bad---kind of a vacation in a sick kind of way.

First Day of Classes, Again

Pretty light day---only one out of my three classes and office hours that were unattended.  Tomorrow is full so I spent a good deal of time preparing for it and doing paperwork for students wishing to enter closed sections.

I do feel a weight with the end of Break, that my life will be very strictly scheduled for the next three months.  On the other hand my mind is sharper with the adrenalin.  It has been so hard to focus since December final exams.

Always a trade-off.

Teaching an Overload

Well, in my nearly last act as department chair I am assigning myself an overload.  I jumped through all sorts of hoops to make sure that I was clear ethically, since it means more pay for myself.  But it is a class that only a handful of faculty can teach, none had classes to trade off, none wanted to take on the overload except for myself.

I will like having more money with a child getting braces.  It is more work, but I really do like teaching, far better than the chair administrivia.  I think that i will enjoy it.  I also think that I will lose more sleep.  Sigh.

Staffing

After preregistration I had five sections for the Spring without instructors.  I was busy dealing with an adjunct who had angered all of his students and didn't address it until December.

Two faculty on maternity leave, and one adjunct not coming back, with three sections added at preregistration.  What a mess.

It's been hanging over my head, through our Christmas travels, through a math conference out of town.  This should be the last time that it is my responsibility, and I will not miss it.  Staffing has hung over my breaks and vacations for over half my time at the university.

It's always worked out, but every new hire is a risk.  We've had very bad experiences these past three years.  The ones who have stayed have been good.

I'm mentally drained.  Glad that it seems to be resolving.